As you know, I am huge when it comes to reflection. I love to reflect and to over-analyze and over-think things until I come up with a rationalization for how I feel. I don’t care what you say…you do it too.
Sometimes these reflections don’t work out in my favor, leaving me more upset, but other times I experience this amazing ephiphany that changes my entire outlook on life.
Over the past several months of my life, I’ve found myself in some interesting dating “situations”. Lately, I’ve experienced moments of negativity and lowered self-esteem after going through the experience of feeling rejected. Then I ask myself, “What the hell is wrong with him?”. “And him?”. “And him?”. After much reflection, I’ve decided that there is nothing wrong with “him”, there’s something wrong with “me”. After all, I’m the common denominator in all of my pseudo-relationships. Maybe I was looking at it from the wrong angle this entire time…
I have discovered that I have purposely attached myself to Mr. Unavailables. Emotionally unavailable men. Possibly in an effort to avoid committing and being emotionally intimate with men myself. There it is…my epiphany. So what happens when I attach myself to Mr. Unavailables? I become the Fallback Girl. The girl men “fallback on”. Plan B….the girl that the guy needs when he needs a stroke of his ego, a shoulder to lean on, and pretty much anything else, but only when it’s convenient for him. See, there isn’t ever any real commitment. Let’s take a look at my destructive behavior for a moment and think of the past few men in my life and how they have been coded “Mr. Unavailable”.
-There was my ex husband
-There was the man who lived 2,000 miles away
-The man who has been in a miserable long-term relationship, that actually told me he would never marry her
-The man who puts everything else first
-The man who recently got a divorce
See a pattern here? I’m setting myself up to be the Fallback Girl every single time. I know the backgrounds of these Mr. Unavailables, yet I still find myself drawn to something I know deep down will never actually work. There’s a quote and I can’t remember it word for word, but basically it says that I shouldn’t have the mindset that “all men are the same”. All men are the same if I keep choosing the same type of man. This man always happens to be Mr. Unavailable. So what happens when I become the Fallback Girl? I end up getting hurt and feeling rejected, and that catapaults me right into the arms of the next smooth-talking Mr. Unavailable…only to have the exact same vicious cycle happen again.
Now, how do I stop this cycle from recurring over and over again? I have no clue. Do you know how long it took me to get to this point of self-discovery? It’s a journey….I’m working on it. I don’t know how I will get there, but someday I’ll find Mr. Available.
Here I am…in Vegas, alone. I’ve decided that the best way to take up some of my time is to reflect on things everyday and journal it. It’s not that bad out here actually. I’m filling my day up pretty well. However, I can’t help but look around and see certain couples. They have rings on their fingers (and saying this will truly make me feel like a horrible person) but I often think to myself, “how the heck can that person be married and make it work, and I can’t stay married or date someone for more than 5.2 seconds?” I would like to think I’m a normal, sweet and cute girl. I’m nice and sincere and have probably the biggest heart….hmmm…I wonder what’s wrong with me sometimes. Maybe I should ask “what’s wrong with him? And him? And him?” There are a few guys in my life that want to be with me. They want it to work. Why can’t I seem to reciprocate those feelings back? Why is it that as humans we are genetically pre-dispositioned to want what we can’t have? Why do we like the chase so much, if we have people in front of us that truly see us for the amazing people we are? Why is it that I’m always attracted to guys that are unavailable…whether emotionally, physically, spiritually…? I’m a Christian. I like to think that there’s a greater purpose for me in this life. There’s a plan for me that is way bigger than what I can and want to control. It’s hard to trust in that plan though when you feel as though you genuinely are a good person and bad things keep happening to you. I guess these are questions that can’t be answered right now and will all make sense to me when the time is right and everything falls into place as it should.
About 4 years ago I met this guy (who will remain anonymous). We met at work and became really great friends. He was the “guy that got away”. First person to ever make me question whether or not I got married too soon (dead giveaway that I probably shouldn’t have stayed married….that’s neither here nor there now I suppose). We lost touch after he moved out of state and recently connected again a few months ago.
After our second conversation we decided to book a trip to Vegas together. We both fully committed to this. Now I’m going to Vegas on Thursday…alone. Being stood up is a humiliating experience. No one likes being rejected, and when you’re going through a divorce (which is the ultimate rejection) and then it keeps happening, you can’t help but feel completely terrible about yourself.
He didn’t seem apologetic about it, and as of last week it was a “maybe” on going. He told me he’d let me know at the latest, by today. Really? You’re going to wait until 48 hours before to tell me whether or not you’re going? After a super nice (no really….it was kind) text message, I never heard from him again. So…I don’t plan on hearing from him anymore. What a shame…I actually considered him a good friend. Now I’m stuck with a nonrefundable hotel and flight package, and going to be in Vegas…by myself.
I think it’s time for a little “Eat, Pray, Love”.
Worst. feeling. ever.
It’s been almost 5 months since my ex abandoned my child and I and the divorce should be finalized in about 6-8 weeks. In a way I’m still learning to love myself again and I’m starting to realize that I was extremely unhappy in my marriage. My ex did me a favor by leaving….I don’t think I ever would have had the courage to leave. Although…I still have a strong dislike for how he left (that I can’t forget or forgive).
In an effort to move forward with my life, I’ve started losing weight. I’m down 18 pounds currently and feeling wonderful. I got to hand it to Herbalife. The products have completely changed my life.
So what comes with weight loss, more confidence and no ring on my finger? A lot of attention from the male species. Completely flattering but my life is even more complicated now with many dates. Keep in mind…it’s been 9 years since I’ve dated. There was no facebook….barely any texting. Dating has completely changed since I was last a free agent. If you wanted to date someone 9 years ago, you would actually call that person on the phone, ask them out and then show up at that specific time and go out. Now there’ texting, social media and dating profiles through online matchmaking sites. It’s completely exhausting. No wonder why divorce is increasing and people that have been single are still single.
At one point last week, I was trying to maintain a text conversation with 3 different potential suitors at the same time. I just let my phone die….. I couldn’t keep up anymore.
"I don’t know how it is you are so familiar to me- or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before- in another time, a different place- some other existence".
It’s been a few months since my husband decided to end our 4 year marriage (9 year relationship). We tried to make it work after the separation for a little bit. But….he only wanted to make it “work” when it was convenient for him and his schedule. When I asked him to make up his mind and decide what he wants, he sent me a text message a few days later officially ending our marriage. A TEXT MESSAGE. Funny though…I felt relieved. Like I could breathe a little again. I think I just went through a lot the past few months and worked so hard to try and salvage whatever I thought was left that I was just a prisoner. I was exhausted and when he ended things….I felt free again.
There are days where I feel extremely lonely though. It’s hard when you’ve been with someone for 9 years and spent everyday with them to suddenly being alone all the time. I have my little guy and he is my whole world….but I value adult conversations as well and when It’s just me, my son and Elmo shows all day….It gets tough.
I’m taking this time to re-discover myself and really love myself again. I’ve been hitting the gym pretty hard and am on a 1200 calorie/day diet. My son I my motivation and I need to be healthy for him.
Until next time….
Remember the movie “The First Wives Club” with Goldie Hawn, Diane Keaton and Bette Midler? Well, the movie is based on three women who have all gone through a divorce and decide to start this “club”. Throughout the film they decide to get back at each ex-husband and pretty much ruin their lives.
Too bad there aren’t actually clubs like that around the Scottsdale area. Yes…my husband and I have officially separated and I’m on my way to that “club”.
For those of you that follow me, my friends and family, this is the first time I’ve gone public with this on any kind of Social Media site. My Facebook is still filled with pictures and memories of a time when there were 3 people in our family, and it also shows that my Relationship Status is “married”, but I’m not anymore…
And for those of you that are on Facebook…you all know how big of a deal it is when Relationship Statuses change. Within seconds of declaring your “status” online, hundreds of people begin to ask you questions that you’re not ready to answer. I guess I’m not ready for the ambush on Facebook just yet.
Anywhoo, my soon-to-be ex husband left me back at the beginning of April. It’s been almost 2 months and our 4 year wedding anniversary is in a little over 2 weeks. That will be a fun day. Especially for all of those on Facebook that will be posting Happy Anniversary on my page all day.
Every marriage has its ups and downs, and we had ours, but I had no idea that little trivial things could become so major in our lives that it would cause my husband and the father of my child to just get up and leave us. One day I was married, and the next day…he was gone for good.
Being a single mom is tough. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy and I don’t know how single moms do it. I’m lucky to have such an amazing circle of close family and close friends that are helping me pick up the broken pieces in my life right now.
There are two things that make this situation just awful.
1: I’m in survival and protection mode, like a mama bear protecting her cub. If he came crawling back to me, I don’t think I could even get back what we had. The ultimate betrayal is complete abandonment, and right now, my son is at an age where he won’t ever remember his mommy and daddy being together. I don’t trust that my ex won’t do this again once my child is older. I don’t want to completely damage him for the rest of his life.
2. After 9 years of being in a relationship, I don’t even know who my ex is anymore. I literally have never seen this side of him and it feels as though he is a stranger to me and that I was never married.
Well there it is folks. The newest saga in my life.