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Hello World!

First off, I’d like to let my followers know (yes….I have 6 on Tumblr….trust me….I have plenty more of family and friends that read this blog regularly on FB and Twitter!!)

Anywhoo, I’d like to let you know that I have come to the realization that I have been suffering from anxiety and depression the past several months.

Surprised? Probably. Because I’m the girl that keeps you smiling even when I’m sad. Actually, I started medication and I started seeing this amazing counselor (shout out to my boy Tres!! LOL).

I can finally breathe. I feel so much better about myself and about everything/everyone in my life. It’s always a journey towards healing, but I’m right there. It’s like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel I was in. 

Back to my blog. You’ll notice that I’ll probably be blogging a lot over the next week. Tres (who WILL be reading these lol) challenged me to writing for at least 15 minutes for 4 days. He wanted me to write these by hand…really Tres? LOL! Kidding…I get it. I can just get so much more done by typing haha.

Let’s see. What do I want to write about today? What am I feeling? I think I’m feeling more and more as though I want to delete my online dating profiles. Having an online dating profile is a bad relationship in itself. It’s like I’m dating the site and I just keep getting let down by these creepers who won’t stop sending me pictures of their junk.

You become co-dependent on these websites in hopes of finding someone to love and finding someone who will love you. Then you get your hopes up only to find out that the person you thought you knew turned out to be someone so different.

So why is it so hard for me to delete them? I feel like maybe I’ll “miss out” if there’s one decent person on there maybe. I don’t know.

All I know is I trust in God enough to know he will place the right person in my life in His time…dating profile or not. So…I’m deleting them. Tonight.

Sorry boys…I need a man, not a 15 year old horny teenager. More importantly, I need a man  of GOD. Someone who places God FIRST in his life.

 

A Lesson About Self Respect….And Being the “Other Woman”

I’m not your typical “mistress”. You know…the lady in the movie that seduces a married man and then completely ruins a lifelong marriage. No, It’s actually the other way around in my case.

His name: well, we can just call him Adam**. We met a little while ago. How? Online dating. Yes…I know, right? He actually found me and we hit it off right away. My divorce wasn’t finalized at the time and neither was his.

For the first time in both our lives we completely opened our hearts to another person. The walls we built up so high in our marriages were finally down and we were extremely emotionally intimate with one another. I can speak on behalf of both of us and say that it happened very quickly. It was actually scary for both of us. Scary and confusing for both of our hearts.

In the midst of this amazing love story in the making…..

His soon-to-be ex wife decided to drop the bomb on him that she met another man. They were serious, he’d met their children and they were sleeping together. Ideal for me, right? Wrong! Talk about a smack in the face…for the both of us. Why? Because Adam decided he needed to win back his wife. How a man can instantly feel as though he’s lost a battle and needs to go back to war with a woman who clearly doesn’t want to be with him, I don’t know. But it’s something he said he felt like he needed to do and that he couldn’t do that with me in his life anymore.

I was heartbroken. Why would a man who is clearly not ready to move on and pursue a new relationship be doing that? Why create an online profile? Why just enter into someone’s life so selfishly and carelessly and let her believe you were ready when you weren’t? Why complicate my life so much when there’s already complications I’m dealing with?

We didn’t really talk for a week or so after he told me that. But honestly, I just think there was still something that felt “unfinished” for me, and maybe for him a little too. Like there were still things that were left to explore between us.

So naturally, why not complicate a complication even more by being in one another’s lives again? Oh the tangled web we weave. It couldn’t be more tangled right now.

Where am I at with this today? Hmm…I don’t even know if I know the answer to that question.

He cares about me. He says he wants to be with me if she tells him it’s completely over. That he needs a ”friend” right now, but that he still has feelings for me. He says he’s confused but that he feels as though he needs to try one more time to fix things. That he wasn’t always good but he’s changing. Meanwhile, he has bad days with her and then other days that it’s perfect between the both of us. He also says I’m an amazing person and I’m helping him get through these difficult days of his life. So for him, he’s praying and hoping that he gets his wife back. For me, I’m just learning more about him and falling even more for this man, knowing that I’m going to be the one who loses at the end of this. Either way, I lose.

I lose if he wants me…because I wasn’t good enough the first time. I was his second choice. An awful feeling that no one should ever have to go through.

I also lose if his wife takes him back. Not only losing the possibility of a potentially epic love story, but I lose a friend now too.

So…what do I do? I’m in a place in my life where I’m practicing patience. I’m trusting God that whatever His plan is…is for the best and meant to be. I’m not pushing anything right now. I’m also practicing being selfless for once in my life with someone I care about. Putting his feelings before my own. Hearing about his wife for hours, and smiling on the outside to provide encouragement, while absolutely being broken on the inside.

But everyone has their breaking point. Mine was today. I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t want me “right now”. I want someone who wants all of me and thinks I’m perfect for them “right now”. I need to walk away from this with my head held high. With self respect and integrity.

….and never again will I allow myself to be the other woman.  

(*** Fictional, duh).

Mr. Unavailables and the Fallback Girl….A MUST READ!

As you know, I am huge when it comes to reflection. I love to reflect and to over-analyze and over-think things until I come up with a rationalization for how I feel. I don’t care what you say…you do it too.

Sometimes these reflections don’t work out in my favor, leaving me more upset, but other times I experience this amazing ephiphany that changes my entire outlook on life.

Over the past several months of my life, I’ve found myself in some interesting dating “situations”. Lately, I’ve experienced moments of negativity and lowered self-esteem after going through the experience of feeling rejected. Then I ask myself, “What the hell is wrong with him?”. “And him?”. “And him?”. After much reflection, I’ve decided that there is nothing wrong with “him”, there’s something wrong with “me”. After all, I’m the common denominator in all of my pseudo-relationships. Maybe I was looking at it from the wrong angle this entire time…

I have discovered that I have purposely attached myself to Mr. Unavailables. Emotionally unavailable men. Possibly in an effort to avoid committing and being emotionally intimate with men myself. There it is…my epiphany. So what happens when I attach myself to Mr. Unavailables? I become the Fallback Girl. The girl men “fallback on”. Plan B….the girl that the guy needs when he needs a stroke of his ego, a shoulder to lean on, and pretty much anything else, but only when it’s convenient for him. See, there isn’t ever any real commitment. Let’s take a look at my destructive behavior for a moment and think of the past few men in my life and how they have been coded “Mr. Unavailable”.

-There was my ex husband

-There was the man who lived 2,000 miles away

-The man who has been in a miserable long-term relationship, that actually told me he would never marry her

-The man who puts everything else first

and….

-The man who recently got a divorce

See a pattern here? I’m setting myself up to be the Fallback Girl every single time. I know the backgrounds of these Mr. Unavailables, yet I still find myself drawn to something I know deep down will never actually work. There’s a quote and I can’t remember it word for word, but basically it says that I shouldn’t have the mindset that “all men are the same”. All men are the same if I keep choosing the same type of man. This man always happens to be Mr. Unavailable. So what happens when I become the Fallback Girl? I end up getting hurt and feeling rejected, and that catapaults me right into the arms of the next smooth-talking Mr. Unavailable…only to have the exact same vicious cycle happen again.

Now, how do I stop this cycle from recurring over and over again? I have no clue. Do you know how long it took me to get to this point of self-discovery? It’s a journey….I’m working on it. I don’t know how I will get there, but someday I’ll find Mr. Available.

Marriage and Life Questions….

Here I am…in Vegas, alone. I’ve decided that the best way to take up some of my time is to reflect on things everyday and journal it. It’s not that bad out here actually. I’m filling my day up pretty well. However, I can’t help but look around and see certain couples. They have rings on their fingers (and saying this will truly make me feel like a horrible person) but I often think to myself, “how the heck can that person be married and make it work, and I can’t stay married or date someone for more than 5.2 seconds?” I would like to think I’m a normal, sweet and cute girl. I’m nice and sincere and have probably the biggest heart….hmmm…I wonder what’s wrong with me sometimes. Maybe I should ask “what’s wrong with him? And him? And him?” There are a few guys in my life that want to be with me. They want it to work. Why can’t I seem to reciprocate those feelings back? Why is it that as humans we are genetically pre-dispositioned to want what we can’t have? Why do we like the chase so much, if we have people in front of us that truly see us for the amazing people we are? Why is it that I’m always attracted to guys that are unavailable…whether emotionally, physically, spiritually…? I’m a Christian. I like to think that there’s a greater purpose for me in this life. There’s a plan for me that is way bigger than what I can and want to control. It’s hard to trust in that plan though when you feel as though you genuinely are a good person and bad things keep happening to you. I guess these are questions that can’t be answered right now and will all make sense to me when the time is right and everything falls into place as it should.

A Humiliating Experience

About 4 years ago I met this guy (who will remain anonymous). We met at work and became really great friends. He was the “guy that got away”. First person to ever make me question whether or not I got married too soon (dead giveaway that I probably shouldn’t have stayed married….that’s neither here nor there now I suppose). We lost touch after he moved out of state and recently connected again a few months ago.

After our second conversation we decided to book a trip to Vegas together. We both fully committed to this. Now I’m going to Vegas on Thursday…alone. Being stood up is a humiliating experience. No one likes being rejected, and when you’re going through a divorce (which is the ultimate rejection) and then it keeps happening, you can’t help but feel completely terrible about yourself.

He didn’t seem apologetic about it, and as of last week it was a “maybe” on going. He told me he’d let me know at the latest, by today. Really? You’re going to wait until 48 hours before to tell me whether or not you’re going? After a super nice (no really….it was kind) text message, I never heard from him again. So…I don’t plan on hearing from him anymore. What a shame…I actually considered him a good friend. Now I’m stuck with a nonrefundable hotel and flight package, and going to be in Vegas…by myself.

I think it’s time for a little “Eat, Pray, Love”.

Worst. feeling. ever.

First Wives Club….starting to date again. Oy Vey

It’s been almost 5 months since my ex abandoned my child and I and the divorce should be finalized in about 6-8 weeks. In a way I’m still learning to love myself again and I’m starting to realize that I was extremely unhappy in my marriage. My ex did me a favor by leaving….I don’t think I ever would have had the courage to leave. Although…I still have a strong dislike for how he left (that I can’t forget or forgive).

In an effort to move forward with my life, I’ve started losing weight. I’m down 18 pounds currently and feeling wonderful. I got to hand it to Herbalife. The products have completely changed my life.

So what comes with weight loss, more confidence and no ring on my finger? A lot of attention from the male species. Completely flattering but my life is even more complicated now with many dates. Keep in mind…it’s been 9 years since I’ve dated. There was no facebook….barely any texting. Dating has completely changed since I was last a free agent. If you wanted to date someone 9 years ago, you would actually call that person on the phone, ask them out and then show up at that specific time and go out. Now there’ texting, social media and dating profiles through online matchmaking sites. It’s completely exhausting. No wonder why divorce is increasing and people that have been single are still single.

At one point last week, I was trying to maintain a  text conversation with 3 different potential suitors at the same time. I just let my phone die….. I couldn’t keep up anymore.

Oy vey…..

Soul Mates

"I don’t know how it is you are so familiar to me- or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before- in another time, a different place- some other existence".

-Lang Leav

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